Two years ago I’ve written a surrealistic short story about a girl who gets lost in a forest and trapped in the maze of the abyss. The title is „Snowballs and Butterflies“. It leads the reader through metaphorical images of hidden emotions and symbols the odyssey of the mind growing with the riddles of dreams.
I’ve revised the first draft a few times, but never really finished it. It always felt incomplete and I don’t know if I’ll ever make something out of this idea. But I think of it quite often recently. Perhaps because I’m experiencing the unwritten end of this process and transformation of self I tried to picture with this short story. The journey of getting entangled by illusions and lost on the wrong track, crushed by the numbness of emptiness, blinded by darkness. Of finding a spark of faint light to hold onto and crawling towards, backwards, up and down again, out of this hole.
When I was writing it, I was struggling with my life and mind. I was looking for a way to handle the chaos or how I could filter things out. I began to recognize the chain of reactions, how one thing has lead to another and the path I was going. Long before I realized it for myself, I’ve started to make tiny changes and take small steps to new directions. My perception became conscious, I got aware of the voice of my intuition that started to whisper. At that time, I saw white butterflies everywhere, no matter where I went but with the growing knowledge of where to go.
I didn’t know how much I’ve written in the past years, especially in 2016, until I finally came to organize all my writings last December. – Is it really just three months ago? It feels like ages. Probably because a lot has changed since then. Anyway, how many times have I read my own repeating thoughts on ideas and plans while I was going through my writings? It seemed to me like I was thinking of and confronted by the same old things over again, always at the same time of year. All these things I want to do for so long, all those tries and unfinished texts and random notes. All the planned projects and this big bunch of lose paper. But my thought processes have evolved over time and my will has become stronger.
In the past few weeks my mindset has shifted from procrastination to productivity. It has a lot to do with new things happening and new people coming into my life and how different these aspects make me feel with myself. I’ve come to realize that I’ve left behind my past and what’s been holding me back. I’ve transformed into a new me, my true self, no longer overthinking about what I can’t control or losing myself in doubts and worries. After years of feeling captive, I now somehow feel like a bird back in the sky that has just breaking free. I connected with something I can’t describe, but it’s an incredible feeling. My attitude has turned into something I haven’t experienced for a very long time, or perhaps even never like this before. Somehow casual.
First I was confused, then I focused. It happened that I had to take a break and my creativity exploded. The last two weeks I spent writing, drawing, painting and working on my website. I don’t want to spend another year doing the same old nothing. I want to implement my plans, achieve my goals. I’m going to do what I can’t stop daydreaming about. Life offers me new inspiration and signs of synchronicity continue to encourage me. And while it’s slowly becoming spring outside, inside of me my passions flourish.
A few days ago I was standing at the traffic light. I’d just taken a short walk, enjoying how mild the weather had suddenly become and that bids are chirping everywhere. It seemed so calm and exciting at the same time. I felt good, even though I didn’t really know why. I wondered if it is the sense of transition and why I feel so much more confident. Is it true? Have I become aware of myself? Have I connected with my inner truth and am I now ready to start?
So I was standing there when I thought about this, as a cyclist passed me slowly. The way he pedaled it looked taxing, but he appeared so serene. He winked at me with a smile that somehow… I don’t know. It was just a brief moment when our eyes crossed. I immediately got the feeling of understanding and encouragement. As if he’d welcomed me.
I smiled broadly when the cyclist was already out of sight.
The traffic light turned green.